My Happily Ever After...

Radio Silence

2009-10-08T15:49:00.001-05:00

If you are looking for me- i've been writing over at our other blog- lassoingthemoon.com

Please come on by and see what has been going on- I'll be back here someday, but probably not for awhile....

sarah B

Treasures

2009-07-29T21:42:00.002-05:00

A few years ago, a friend suggested that I subscribe to a weekly email written by a woman from her church. I read a few of her pieces and immediately knew I wanted to read more of her writing. Leigh McLeroy sends emails out every Wednesday titled "Wednesday Words" and today's was especially powerful for me. (http://www.wednesdaywords.com/)

She was writing about her new book entitled Treasured. She shared that treasures are continually being revealed in our lives and how these particular treasures are reminders that represent not only where we have been, but how God has revealed himself at various times when all seemed lost. Treasures can be a word, a song, a passage, an object...whatever. It is whatever significantly reminds you of your journey's twists and turns with God.

Toward the end, she posed the question, "So what is in your treasure box? What keepsakes or objects tell the story of your experience with God?" This really got me thinking. Do I even pay attention to the treasures that have been dropped along the path for me to discover? Have I bothered to collect them? Treasure them? Cherish them for what they represent to me about my journey? I fear that I have not been very diligent in my treasuring and not for lack of treasures, but for what appears to be a complete lack of gratitude and heart appreciation.

So I decided that I'm going to retrace some of my steps and begin collecting these treasures- While some treasures are but memories, others are tangible. Leigh's words reminded me that it's so important to hold onto these "mile markers" from our lives to help us remember where we have been and how God revealed himself along the path. Everyone has these treasures in their lives. I'm interested in learning what you cherish and why. So as I begin this personal journey of excavation and unravelling, I wish thank Leigh for her words that continue to inspire me- and not just on Wednesdays! Happy treasure hunting!

PS.

2009-07-24T16:00:00.002-05:00

All of this waiting was the major reason for my blog absence. It was too much for me to wrap my brain around for a long time- that and I'm learning that growing a baby makes you really, REALLY tired!

Waiting

2009-07-24T15:30:00.003-05:00

It's ironic that waiting is one of the most difficult things in life to do. To just be patient, sit still, have faith, be quiet and wait. Usually whatever it is you are waiting for is all consuming for your brain, so sitting still and being quiet about it feels even more impossible. God has a lot to say about our waiting...and even though He's pretty clear, I still seem to struggle and wrestle with its dichotomy: so simple and yet SO HARD!

It feels like I've been waiting for a lot of really big things lately. Things over which I have had no control, power, sway or say. For example, I've been waiting for summer to go by (its my absolute least favorite season). I've been waiting to see which direction my life will go in creatively, professionally, personally...you know, just waiting to see what unfolds or inspires. I've been waiting to see how the long job search journey my dear husband has been on will unfold and wondering what the outcome will be, wondering how long the wait will be and how this search will impact our futures. I've been waiting for my mom's heart ailments to get better and for those all important answers to the seemingly endless medical questions we had been asking. But most of all I've been waiting to tell a really big secret we've been keeping.

It's amazing how just when you think you are at your absolute limit and can't handle any more, you may actually be right because things begin to change and shift allowing a glimpse of light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel of waiting which is exactly what happened for me at the end of June.

Even though summer was still upon us, I began imagining a new life for myself- nothing concrete or absolute at the moment, but it took on a shape and form that brought excitement, inspiration, energy and joy to my heart that has felt heavy and stuck for a long time. My sweet husband was offered two wonderful job opportunities and was able to choose what he wanted to do and what would make him feel most alive. (HUGE answer to my prayers!) My mom's heart situation began to improve and while it's still something that is being monitored, she was allowed to leave the confinement of tubes and beeping machines at the hospital and return home. She's feeling better than she has in months and that in and of itself is a tremendous relief. While we don't have all of the answers, I certainly feel like I have my mom back!

Experiencing all of these lovely resolutions to long pressing problems, I began to feel comfort and ease about sharing our other news; news we had been warned and told to wait to share....but cannot wait to share any longer- here it is: WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!! We are due in January 2010 and could not be happier about it! While we were busy doing all of this waiting- God it appears, was not.

I heard a quote one time when struggling through a difficult season of my life that said: "God works where he asks you to wait." How comforting and in my experience time and time again, how true.

My cup runneth over.

another good one

2009-06-12T16:50:00.001-05:00

I spend a lot of time wondering what is ahead. Where I will be, how i will be, what i will be doing, wishing i was doing all of these fun, creative, adventurous things. think think think- I am just at the cusp of actually starting to 'do'- its a thrilling place to be and a beautiful vista to behold- I came across this quote on one of my favorite blogs 'The Lettered Cottage' (see side for a link)- a blog that ALWAYS inspires my heart and brings a little bit of restoration for my soul. thought i'd share the quote with you too. enjoy!

Predicting the future.

The most accurate way to predict the future is to get busy creating it. T

hough you cannot guess what's going to happen, you can know for sure what you intend to do.

Do you wish to be in the right place at the right time? Then commit to creating real value in every time and place where you find yourself.

The most reliable way to get in on a good thing is to put forth the effort that makes that good thing real.

A surefire way to have good luck is to create your own luck through the actions you take.

It serves no purpose to wish for what you don't have. Use that energy to fulfill, express and expand upon all the great possibilities you do have.

The more generously you participate in life, the more it will go your way.

Always see the positive possibilities in the way things are, and things will work to the benefit of you and those around you.

The future belongs to those who act with commitment, persistence and positive purpose in the present.

Use this now moment to make your best predictions for the future come to life.

-- Ralph Marston

Quotes

2009-06-12T16:31:00.002-05:00

I've always been a fan of good quotes and the little boost you feel after reading something inspirational. I've recently had several conversations with a dear friend about optimism and how it can be present in one situation and be gone in the next...it's something we've been pondering. Anyways, she mentioned "The Optimist's Creed" and I googled it and found it to be brimming with little bits of wisdom I'd like to say I bring into every circumstance. I honestly cannot say that I do, but I can truly say that I'd like to try and do better! Here it is:

The Optimist's Creed

Promise yourself

to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

to talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.

to make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

to think only of the best, and expect only the best.

to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

- C.D. Larson

Blink

2009-06-07T19:40:00.002-05:00

just like that and its summertime. blink. its crazy. my apologies for being radio silent for over 2 months now. i really have no excuse other than plain being lazy. i have so many things i want to write about, but somehow have not made it a priority to capture here- which is annoying. i aim to remedy that here in the near future. i also struggle with how plain and somewhat 'blah' i feel my blog is- so i've been researching ways to make it a little more fancy and eye-catching and creative....so stay tuned. no big promises, but hopefully some baby steps of progress.

i have also been lax about being intentional about being present in my life- about recognizing the blessings and joy around me, the simple beautiful moments, the happiness that is all around me and i aim to be better about that too. starting....now. ready......go. 1.....2.......3.......go! seriously- this part especially means a lot to me....i'm in a rich season of life right now and dont want to miss it because it would be the easy thing to do.

thats the beauty of this life- you can blink your eyes, click your heels, say a prayer (not necessarily all three, but you know what i mean) and begin again. New. fresh. clean.

a thank you for fresh starts does not seem like enough to say, but i'm thankful all the same. here i go- starting over again- --again!

Back to Life

2009-04-01T16:01:00.002-05:00

I've been in hibernation mode and have been loving it. I've been nesting with my new husband, working, watching basketball, writing thank you notes and trying to settle into my new role as a wife. However, now that it's April, its time to throw open the windows, get some fresh air in the lungs and push into new adventures. I've got many projects in the cooker- a scrapbook to create (I'm not a scrapbooker, but want to document this past year of my life as it's truly been the most amazing so far), a gift to create for my family's Christmas gift (I know, I'm starting early!) I'm itching to become more active (physically and creatively). I'd love to redecorate our den/office area and make it more aesthetically pleasing, I'm planning my landscaping for the year and preparing to plant, I've got some kind of creative bug inside of me that really wants to try some new efforts at expression, I'd love to start entertaining, can't wait to start cooking (experimenting), and baking and I really want to spend more time writing here. All this while staying on our new budget! It's going to require a lot of energy, focus and fun and I secretly cannot wait. I love the month of April.

a fly among shepherds

2009-03-13T18:07:00.001-05:00

how did i get here?? that was what was pounding through my mind the other night as i sat in my chair listening and taking notes. you see, I have the honor of writing on my church's creative writing team and was tapped to help with an upcoming project that involves several local churches and on this particular evening, i was attending a pow wow for the head pastors from these churches...(and i was supposed to be there too! whew! crazy!) As i sat just slightly back from the group (so as not to intrude) i was able to hear these amazing leaders encouraging, sharing ideas, supporting one another, joking around, teasing each other, identifying strengths seen in one another's congregations and pointing one another toward the ultimate goal of becoming one (capital C) Church body in this fair city of ours. it was thrilling to glimpse behind the curtain and to see these men who are generally "competing" (in a weird way) with one another- doing exactly the opposite.

Towards the end of the meeting we circled up for prayer and i could not help but feel tears stinging my closed eyelids as i attempted to step outside of myself and capture this beautiful image in my mind. * (*now i'm not claiming to be on par with these gifted men of God by any stretch- i'm just a volunteer writer for goodness sakes!) listening to them pray together, i could not help but lift up my own prayer of thanksgiving for this opportunity to serve, for these incredible men around me as well as a prayer of protection over their lives, ministries and marriages. thank you Lord for this glimpse. thank you for these shepherds in your city and for giving me a chance to be a welcomed fly on the wall among them.

lost in the laundry?

2009-03-13T10:36:00.003-05:00

well, i wish i could say that i've been sporting my superhero cape since my last posting and have not been eating sweets...but the truth is, after five solid days of no sweets, i was grouchy, short tempered, depressed and antsy. it started with a simple m&m, which led to bigger and better things like cookies, brownies and more candy. granted, it wasn't consumed all at once, but the sweetness on my tongue has brought back a little bit of joy to my days. the removal and subsequent losing of my "cape" has actually been a good thing. for once i am actually happier for something going missing in the "laundry." i guess i'm not a superhero after all and i'm okay with that.

looking for my cape....

2009-02-24T14:01:00.012-06:00

i'm a profound believer in what Lent symbolizes and always want to be mindful of how the giving up of something or "fasting" from something is designed to bring to mind for us the struggle and sacrifice of Christ and all he did for us so long ago on the cross. the beginning of Lent always brings with it an extra dose of self-reflection for me. the church i attend does not really stress the importance or necessity of giving up something for Lent, but that very practice has somehow managed to wind itself around my life in its own way that i have come to enjoy each spring. in my reflection, i seek to discover what it is that i'm clinging to, what is taking my energy and attention, and what is currently eroding my spirit the most and once identified, i then challenge myself to see if i can go without it for the agonizing 40 days of Lent. the past few years, what i have come to discover is that not only can i overcome the personal obstacle for forty days but can actually (gulp) enjoy living without it and often continue the challenge indefinitely.

i've been thinking and i've decided that i'm going to actually go "all-in" this year and give up sweets for Lent. big deal some might say; everyone does that. well- in the past i have not. never. not once have i thought i would be okay without a "little sugar fix here and there" to keep me going throughout my day. for some, going without sweets would seem natural, predictable, boring, right or perhaps even easy. for me? it feels IMPOSSIBLE. i love my sweet, delicious baked goods and candy. love them. absolutely. yes. did i mention that i love them?

in the past, i've learned that i can go without a lot of things, new clothes, added expenses, movies, cable TV, certain flavors, pop, special coffees, entertainment websites and magazines, etc but always in years past, my love of all things sweet has been off-limits for the surrendering-because in my mind, i NEED that to look forward to- to enjoy- to satisfy my craving...and help me to be in a better mood-which is exactly why this year, these beloved sweets have to be on the chopping block. this year, its about sacrifice. its about noticing and remembering and experiencing the void. its about feeling without but finding enough within. its about breaking a really bad habit and throwing away a crutch. its about not making excuses for myself any longer.

i'm not superwoman-but i will probably need to find my superhero cape so i can at least pretend i have super-human strength as i venture forth into these next forty days. goodbye all things sweet and delicious! i'll be missing you!

shaking off the sand...

2009-02-23T16:02:00.011-06:00

its a challenge to begin putting to words my experiences these past couple of weeks. i feel like i've been living a wonderful dream...i'm now married to my dream guy! we exchanged our vows surrounded by friends and loved ones on a gorgeous day in February and started our happily ever after with a trip to mexico which i am now convinced may be heaven on earth. over our ten blissful days out of the country, we managed to completely escape reality, avoided all news media and connection with the outside world, we ate gourmet food at every meal, spent most all of our waking ours on the beach, sipped tropical drinks, managed to get a little bit tan, caught up on our rest and relished our oasis from the overall hustle and bustle of life. needless to say, as i've spent the past several days unpacking, doing laundry, trying to get the house in order and returning to work...i'm having difficulties shaking off the sand.

Oh, Heavenly Day!

2009-02-07T12:50:00.003-06:00

its 70 degrees outside and its february and its kansas! that miracle is just the Master's thumbprint on an already spectacular day of celebration! today i get to marry the man of my dreams! He is an answer to my prayers and a blessing to me in every single way. I'm so excited to become his wife and marvel at the journey God has brought us on to get to this heavenly day.

thinking about what is ahead, i cannot help but reflect on what is behind...and the main lessons i've learned over this season of friendship and courtship with my sweet fiance. As I've grown closer to Joe, i've also grown in my relationship to Christ- and these things I know for sure:

He makes deserts bloom
He makes all things new.
He is the giver of life.
He is the artist who dreams dreams for us that
are simply more than we could ever ask or imagine.
His ways are not ours, but they are magnificent in their splendor and mystery.
I'm honored to become Joe's wife today.
Thank you, God!
Oh, Heavenly Day!

A Big Day

2009-01-16T13:54:00.021-06:00

It was a big day today...

...we ventured out into the bitter (12 degree) cold, falling snow and creeping traffic to get our marriage license for the state of Missouri. We began by getting some coffee at Hi Hat, and then set out for downtown Kansas City. Along the way we had to change cars, routes and our ETAs at the office, but we were not deterred and thanks to my future husband's encouragement to keep going, we are now legally able to get married in Missouri! (I took a few photos because i always want to remember the fun we had together this fine winter's morning.)

Finishing Well

2008-12-30T20:55:00.006-06:00

2008 is almost in the books so i decided to do some reflecting over my last 365 days here on this planet and came up with the top 13 happenings that impacted my life this year....

13. the election. it was historic. it was l-o-n-g. it was interesting. and it was exciting to see our country so energized about the political process. while there is no magic 8 ball to predict what the future will bring for #44, my prayers are with him as he steps forward to lead our nation during this challenging era.

12. Facebook. After months of pressure, i finally caved and joined facebook. i resisted, mocked, scoffed and now i am one of the people encouraging others to join. against my better instincts, i have truly loved reconnecting and being in touch with so many wonderful friends from many circles in life. seeing their beautiful faces and hearing their "voices" has reminded me how rich and blessed i am to call so many friends.

11. sports. seriously. over this past year, i've gotten to watch some of the greatest sporting moments in history (and SI just confirmed this!)- the superbowl miracle catch, KU winning it all in March, Tiger and Rocco's marathon match up, federer and nadal's record wimbledon match (which i confess we went out for breakfast in the middle of the match only to return and watch the final 5th set played in the near dark!) the olympics, my cousin's final senior home football game...there is something compelling about watching people literally reaching for their goals and living their dreams out loud right before your eyes. you cant help but cheer and become emotionally involved! (at least i cant!)

10. women's ministry. this year i actually became involved with serving in the women's ministry at our church. i've been attending women's functions for the past year or so, but having typically been involved with the singles ministry, i'd never committed to serving elsewhere. so as i began feeling my life and priorities change, i decided to breathe deeply and jump into a new pond of women and start over on the whole "making new friends at church" adventure. however, what i discovered is that among the beautiful women in different life stages, the mothers, the wives and the others there- i found friendship, welcome and warmth. there were not only familiar faces there but new lovely ones as well. committing to serving was all it took for me to step out of my comfort zone and get involved. why is that hard for me to do? i don't know, but it is- but this side of it- i'm glad i jumped.

9. Heartland Assist Training. this year i began attending twice monthly trainings on how to best help others in the body of Christ who may be suffering or struggling. our church's assist program began hosting these trainings for people asked to help out or who naturally help others in this capacity. at first i was very nervous because the room was filled with faces i had seen, but did not know well. but as we all sat together in room 5N through the months and seasons, we have cried, laughed, learned, shared, grown, prayed, challenged and encouraged one another along our journey. i now easily identify these once unknown faces as friends and colleagues and i'm so, so thankful to know that i can rely upon them for wisdom, leadership, encouragement and a good old fashioned giant hug when i see them. These nights and this community have been a wonderful addition to my life over this past year. I've not only grown in knowledge, but in my faith as a result.

8. discovering blogs. i know it sounds crazy, but i spent a lot of time reading other people's blogs this past year. 1) because i knew i secretly wanted to start my own, but feared i had nothing of worth to say and 2) because i was personally energized from so many of them that i just wanted to keep reading them! Seriously, there are tremendously gifted writers in this world, people who share their talents of writing, cooking, photography, creative expression, home decorating...on and on. i've finally narrowed down my list of favorites to a few which i still regularly check, and i have found my heart skipping a few beats with excitement when i have time to enjoy the wonderful, inspiring blogging talents of others.

7. the economy. while its an impact felt globally, its impact for me was more heart-felt. i too received my troubling financial statements, watched the depressing news, felt the pinch, ached over the layoffs of friends and worried about my own account balances. but more than any of the negatives, i was overwhelmed by the reminder of the goodness i've been blessed with in my life. my lovely home, my car that runs, my job, my clothes, my warm blankets on my bed, my laptop, my books, my heater that works, my..... on and on i could go. I was reminded that God gives us enough. He provides what we need...and every time i see the glaring headlines or hear that stock market bell on the news, i am overwhelmed with gratitude and thank Him for the security in my heart when i don't necessarily feel it at the ATM.

6. a new small group. sometimes it takes me a long time to adapt to change. sometimes i don't like it (change) but i know it is right and good. that is how i felt about joining a new small group this year. i was not excited to leave the comforts of my close circle of friends that i'd been meeting with for years and years. not thrilled about leaving girls who knew me, had seen me through dark days and had cheered with me on the good ones....but i knew it was time to branch out. so i did. this year i stepped out (although not with the best heart attitude) and joined a new group of kind, accepting and welcoming women that i did not know. they were consistent and our discussions were rich. i'm better as a result of knowing and spending time with them. it was a good exercise for me in putting myself out there a little bit more. something i can always stand to do more of...

5. Grandma's fall. it was in late august when my 90 year old sweet grandmother turned to wave to some friends, lost her balance and fell badly. she fractured two vertebrae in her neck, cracked her pelvis and where most 90 year olds would stagger under the demands of physical therapy, my grandmother has rallied. today she is not the same physically as she was before but with her walker in front of her and a little bit of supervision for safety, she has bounced back. her personality still has some sass and she's determined to get down the aisle at our wedding. i love that and cannot wait to see my brother escorting her down the aisle. i love her fight and i love her giggle.

4. began writing for the creative writing team at church. again, this is something that has been lurking in the back of my mind for a long time...the whisper of "you should try that." but i never did, until this year. i pulled the trigger and submitted an audition piece and have felt welcomed, supported, included and necessary to the team ever since. while its a team in transition as our church changes and prepares to grow, i LOVE being part of this creative group who also loves words and writing the way that i do. its a team of kindred spirits and i LOVE having an avenue of challenge (with a deadline!) for my writing.

3. being celebrated and loved by friends and family. as news of our engagement spread, i was overwhelmed by the love that poured out from so many corners of the world for us. the cards, the emails, the cds sent in the mail filled with wedding music, the generous and beautiful gifts, the time spent hosting events for us, the excitement, the questions asked, the celebrations, the advice given, the hugs, the tears, the sheer joy, the welcome extended from his family to me as well as from my family to him- what an absolute BLESSING. i wish this experience of love on everyone i know. all the time. always! i pray that i will never forget this feeling of being loved, cherished and celebrated by the people i care about most.

2. onefancygirl. it may seem silly, but i'm actually one of those people who used to love it when her seventh grade english teacher would give the class a journal topic to write about at the beginning of class.... i seriously couldn't wait to sit down with my pencil and write in my spiral notebook. what i said, i have no idea, but i loved the thought provoking questions posed by design to get us thinking and writing. i still love that process today. writing is one of my great passions-only its one that until this year, i never told anyone about because i was afraid i would have nothing to say and people would think i was a terrible writer. (and you might!) but this was the year that i decided i no longer wanted to live with that fear looming over me and i started this little blog. i know i have not been the most regular writer here, but i find great joy knowing that it exists and that i could be writing on it. no matter if its read or not, i'm writing! and that is a giant victory for me!

1. my engagement! without a doubt the high point of my entire year was my engagement to my dream guy. words fail me as i try to express how excited i am to become his wife. our engagement day was the most beautiful, memorable and happy day i've experienced to date- and i am CERTAIN that our upcoming wedding day will be a heavenly one as well. he is my partner on the adventure and an answer to my prayers. i'm absolutely crazy about him and i cannot wait to officially begin our lives together. oh heavenly day...

i'm fortunate to be able to see great change in my life over the past year and am excited for what is ahead in the next one- may all of our next years be filled with love, laughter, warmth, excitement and adventure. 2009 here we come!

running low, powering down and rebooting

2008-12-09T13:12:00.009-06:00

why is it that we tend to run ourselves and our things completely out before we replace, rest or restore them? for example, in the past month, i've replaced batteries in three smoke detectors (thanks to their incessant chirping reminders), my trusty purple flashlight (as it dimmed when i needed it for reading), my remote control (when i had to actually -gasp- get out of bed to turn my tv off), my cell phone (praise God!) after being able to speak for only three minutes at a time before my phone would automatically turn off, and i also watched a car battery receive a jump start in my garage from those dear folks at AAA.

as all of these portable power sources seemed to fizzle out in a short period of time, i began pondering my own internal "battery" of personal power which often feels as if it too needs jumps, replacements and recharging from time to time. by not plugging myself into the true life Source and not taking care to strengthen and restore my body with rest and exercise, i'm learning that i inversely expedite the depletion of my emotional, spiritual and physical energy levels. feeling low in these areas lends itself to my becoming overwhelmed and i often find myself retreating into unintentional living and personal drift where just getting by, bare minimums, and good enough are the standards.

now, i don't like the land of unintentional living and personal drift. i long to be purposeful with the way i live my life. i want to be present, fully alive and experiencing the moments in my days- not letting them zoom by in a flurry of activity, busyness or numbness. living intentionally is about doing the little things well. little things like taking time to pray and actually pouring your heart out to God. it's writing in a journal, making a bed, calling a friend and enjoying a conversation while on the couch instead of in the car while driving from place to place. it's putting away laundry, not wearing a watch, emptying the dishwasher, brewing some delicious coffee, savoring a homemade pot of soup, picking up the house and lighting a few candles a long the way. its dwelling and seeking out the beauty in the simple and appreciating the joy that ignites in your heart as a result.

like smoke detectors, people have built in "chirps" alerting us when our power supply is running low and when we are starting to drift away from living with intention and purpose. only unlike smoke detectors, others cant hear our inner alarm's chirps to know when to step in and help -we must be the ones to ask for the help, love, time, nurturing and space that we need. (which ironically can often require a lot of that non-existent energy!) by ignoring my own silent "chirp" i have managed to spiral myself into a sort of "power down" situation which hasn't been pretty. it feels like in order to stop living unintentionally my heart's joy "battery" desperately requires no less than a jump start from the Expert. in addition to that, my spirit is desperate for some serious rest and my attitude could just use a plain old replacement! (i know, it's a tall order!)

but thank goodness that God is our master "inner battery" recharger, replacer and rebooter. He knows what we need and longs to provide it for us and i'm so thankful. for me, things are slowly starting to turn around. sunday my sweet guy lent me his strength and after truly listening and hearing my heart, helped me to move some furniture i've been avoiding. he also helped me with various chores that seemed "big" to me in my state of low emotional energy and gave me space, quiet and unconditional love enabling me to feel at rest.

i know God has been whispering my name for weeks but its been difficult to hear for all the inner "chirping" and outer ignoring and whirling around i've been doing. I know He's been wanting me to reconnect with him and allow him to refill my heart and refresh my spirit. he longs to be my true power source and so tonight i'm staying in with the sole purpose of simply letting him. i'm learning that sometimes fully powering down is necessary to become fully recharged and ready to go again.

hogwash, hooey and my own hot air

2008-12-08T14:05:00.004-06:00

we interrupt this program to bring you some hot air...

as a weather buff, i've been getting excited thinking about the prospect of snow flurries, accumulations, sleet, ice, freezing rain, snow drifts, and even shoveling my driveway! however, barely a flake has fallen this season.

every day i check the blog of our local weather man (who is pretty accurate in his predictions) but even lately his blog has been not only depressing, but frustrating! yes. i'm officially tired of all the hogwash, hooey, smoke and mirrors displayed on the weatherman's blog as of late. i'm tired of wading through all the computer models, meteorological lingo talk followed by summary statements saying that its too difficult to forecast right now, about how the models (that i just waded through trying to understand) are often wrong and that they "really cant say" what is going to happen right now because the model is showing "too far out." they (the weather bloggers) then follow this up with how they will really explain it on the 10pm newscast. don't they realize that i am reading the blog because i don't want to watch the news at night?? i hate when they try to trick me into watching the news. (and i admit i sometimes do tune in to hear them explain the "difficult weather pattern.") but i'm really going to try and hold off on that now. i'm officially tired- like i just told you.

so. that being said, i've decided to rely on my future husband's trusty (or rusty?) fourth knuckle on his right hand which gets achy when the weather is about to change. i've heard of this happening to people but have never personally experienced this phenomenon. however, his little achy knuckle seems to be a lot more faithful, reliable and accurate these days- and much less frustrating. whew! i'm glad i have him around....and regardless of my weather frustration woes, i'm still dreaming of a white Christmas.

now, back to our regularly scheduled program....sorry.

a glimpse of...

2008-12-02T14:08:00.006-06:00

a few of our engagement photos...

thank you todd- you did a beautiful job!

been doing a few things...

2008-11-26T12:31:00.007-06:00

Well, its been a busy month. November has blown by in a blink and I have not been able to seem to find time to write on my blog- even though i think about it! over the past few weeks, i've been busy and have experienced the full spectrum of emotions from joy to sorrow. so rather than trying to summarize what i've been doing, here is a listing of a few things I've been up to...

i've been baking cookies, enjoying some spicy autumn crisp with friends new and old, eating at Blue Bird Bistro, voting, praying, celebrating a sweet friend's birthday over pizza and brownies, watching DVRd episodes of the office and 30 rock and laughing, attending a fundraising breakfast, became a founding member in the Sunflower House circle of safety society, contributed to a worthy cause, was showered with well-wishes, opened gifts, held a friend's new baby, watched another dear friend's beautiful daughter twirl and talk about being our flower girl, watched another friend's son explore and walk on his own (!), drank fantastic wine, limped along on my near-dead cell phone battery, enjoyed consuming delicious cheese and wine while proposing a couple of toasts, wrote thank you notes, picked up my house (several times), celebrated a friend's victory after a long election campaign season, shared early morning breakfasts and coffee with various friends to catch up on life, tasted our proposed wedding reception food (yum!), was challenged in my writing, discussed a good book, hosted a dear friend from out of town, shared good discussion and a warm meal at Pot Pie, watched my friend sing on stage, worshipped with other women at my church, signed up for an attendance challenge at jazzercise, began my personal full-on work out challenge in preparation for the wedding, began actually counting the days until i get to marry the greatest guy in the world, attended a fantastic performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, began getting excited for winter, laughed a lot, surprised a friend for her birthday, began my christmas shopping (kind of), took my pre-marital counseling test, took my car into the shop to get the rattle and squeaks tended to, enjoyed the falling price of gasoline, attended the funeral for a dear friend's mother, enjoyed a wonderful meal with my parents, worked at my job, talked on the phone with my brother twice, raked all my leaves, crossed many things off my wedding to-do list, ordered my engagement photos, read two books, ran errands, saw three movies in the theater, visited my grandmother (who is doing great), and still need to finish packing before leaving town this afternoon to travel to Nebraska for Thanksgiving. whew!

bring on the turkey and the NAP!

secret invisible wings

2008-10-31T13:42:00.004-05:00

i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. recently my heart has been impacted by people's goodness, generosity and random acts of kindness. the first time was when a group of friends and i were enjoying some minsky's pizza in PV- when our waitress informed us that a couple who had been dining nearby had left fifty dollars towards our bill- cash. (kind act one) the fact that our waitress told us what had happened and didn't just pocket the cash was actually amazing as well. (so, i'm counting that as kind act two).

the one took place last winter when my fiance and i traveled to visit some friends in Santa Barbara for my birthday. we had been enjoying a FANTASTIC meal at this place called Plow and Angel- of San Yisidro Ranch fame. at the end of the evening, our waiter shared that someone had anonymously called the restaurant and specifically requested to pay $100 toward our tab! to this day the four of us STILL do not know who that secret angel's identity. (but their generosity was tremendously appreciated!)

then the fourth kind act took place last spring when i was (of all places)-in line at chipoltle. i was crammed into the line along with dozens of others as we patiently waited for our burritos and bowls to be made. when i went to pay for my order, the two beaming check out girls informed me that the person in front of me had paid for my meal. as i stood there incredulously, they shared that every friday the same anonymous woman comes in right as the lunch rush is getting ready to boom and begins the "pay it backward" phenomenon buying lunch for the person in line behind her....which is then perpetually carried out through the entire lunch rush as person after person upon learning of the kind act, duplicates it for the person behind them in line. it was staggering and beautiful and i joyfully paid for the random guy in line behind me's tacos with guac.

another experience took place about a month ago when i arrived home after a long day/evening. to find a freshly autographed brand new book by Nicholas Sparks in my mailbox. nicholas sparks wrote one of my favorite books of all time (the Notebook) and knowing this, my sweet guy (my fiance was revealed as the secret angel in this one) attended the book signing on the plaza with about 800 women and 7 other guys. now he didn't just get the book signed, oh no. he sat, he listened, he took notes on what nicholas shared about writing, he purchased the book and he got it signed for me- all as a surprise- just because he knew it would make me happy.

the sixth recent kind act took place last week when i went to check my mailbox and discovered that some sweet secret angel had left me a package of my favorite chocolate zingers! there was no card, no name, not anything other than that sweet treasure left for me to find and enjoy! not too many people know of my secret love affair with the chocolate zinger- which makes it that much more special and personal.

Halloween marked yet another random act of kindness experience. i was having a delicious and hilarious breakfast with my pal Jessica...something we love to do. we were oblivious to those seated nearby and were utterly shocked when our waiter told us with delight on his face that someone had already picked up our tab and left. so basically, while we sat there sipping our beverages and nibbling on pancakes, this mystery gentleman secretly went about making our days with this random act of kindness.

these people- some known to me and some not- all have one thing in common. they remembered to put on their secret invisible angel wings and use them! we all have these wings. the trick is remembering to put them on and then seizing opportunities to put them to use by spreading joy in this dark world and giving kindness where it is least expected.

i speak from experience when i say: people will remember that you did this. they might not realize that it was you who specifically made their day, but rest assured, their hearts will be touched, they will tell others about their experience and they may even go on to "pay it forward" and bless someone else as a result. the ripple effect cannot help but be bigger than we can imagine. so i wish to express my own gratitude to the kindness angels who have touched my heart and life recently. i do not know who most of you are, but you have impacted my life by giving me glimpses of beauty in the world and a restored belief in the innate goodness of people. thank you. i can see your secret wings.

capturing joy

2008-10-27T12:59:00.005-05:00

we took our engagement photos yesterday. the afternoon began as a stunningly beautiful fall day- sunshine, vibrant leaves falling from the trees, a crispness to the air... however, as the afternoon wore on and the time for our shoot approached, our enjoyment of the autumnal glory began rapidly diminishing thanks to 30-40mph wind gusts and falling temperatures. it was something to behold. as we stood smiling and shivering out in the elements, i was reminded again for the millionth time that i'm engaged to a very wonderful, fun loving and easy going man...in whose company amidst those "conditions" i still had a fantastic time.

as the wind blew our hair all crazy over and over, we laughed, we huddled closer and kept each other entertained with smooches, jokes, squeezes and dreams about our future. the windy conditions forced us to just let go and make peace with the fact that "photographic perfection" was beyond our control and in doing so, we were able to embrace the authentic and just truly enjoy ourselves. for me, being released from the worry of whether my hair was in place allowed me to feel more like myself, relax and savor the happiness of the occasion with my fiance. i never want to forget looking at his smiling face or the twinkle in his eye as he looked at me amidst the sunshine and wild wind whipping around us. even though i know i probably looked a little crazy all windblown and chilled, in my heart i felt beautiful and extremely happy.

later, after returning home, i couldn't help but smile as i tried to untangle my hair realizing that for me, the afternoon's shoot was simply a bubble of absolute joy-the kind of joy you want to bottle up and save for a rainy day. and being the fortunate kind of gal that i am, i get to actually do that thanks to my dear friend (and our photographer) todd who was there to capture all of it with his camera. so much is changing in my life right now and knowing that i will have photographic reminders for the rest of my life of those joyful, fun, freezing, love-filled, laughter inducing and windblown moments in time yesterday is a gift for which i am especially grateful.

Can it Be???

2008-10-17T21:21:00.002-05:00

i know, two posts in one day. but that is not the real shocker...

people who know me well have been "stunned," "shocked," and "thrilled" at my new adventure into the world of facebook. for months from all avenues (it seemed) i have been feeling a lot of pressure to join this wild west of the internet (as i like to imagine it). i have always denied that i would ever join and have actually used the word "never" and scoffed when talking about facebook. however, realizing that people dont really email as much as they post on facebook and that i was losing my personal crusade against social networking, i finally gave into the peer pressure and signed up. And i have to say- to date (today is day four of my facebook adventure), its been a pretty wild ride.

so far i've heard from close friends who have been taunting me with the wonders of facebook fun for a long time, old friends i havent seen since college, friends from elementary school, friends from the street i grew up on as a kid, friends from church and friends of friends i havent seen since weddings or births of babies. i confess its actually been a little bit fun and a lot overwhelming. i still do not know how to really find people or post pictures or chat or post anything, but i have loved seeing what everyone has been up to. its reminded me that i have hilarious, interesting, amazing and fantastic friends all over the world and its been a joy to see your smiling and beautiful faces on my computer screen this past week.

Feeling Under Duress

2008-10-17T20:12:00.006-05:00

there is something especially decadent about a friday evening spent at home in your pjs. its extra lovely if you've had a really long, tiring week and have just finished an ice cream sandwich (and have a yummy autumn inspired candle burning).

its been one of those weeks we all have from time to time where you don't get to sit down, barely get to check your emails, have to get up early and fall into bed at night still holding a long list of to-dos that remain undone -weeks where you just didn't have enough time in your hours. it has been a week like that for me. over the past week in my professional world, i spent many hours in various courthouses around the area - all because i had to be there. sometimes i was on the witness stand, but mostly i sat in various hallways and witness waiting rooms and areas- feeling like i was being held hostage from my life in a way. you see, in these various rooms and hallways, you're not really allowed to speak with those around you, its frowned upon if you chat on your phone for extended periods of time (and most of your friends are working anyways), you honestly can only review your cases for so long and then you are just there sitting in quiet. no email, no conversation, no phone- isolated from the world and w-a-i-t-i-n-g. (okay so that might be a tad dramatic but it feels true).

so at one point this week as i sat on the witness stand watching a jury watch me, i couldn't help but think that they too were being held hostage a little bit. here they were, 12 strangers forced to sit, listen, be still, be quiet, be out of touch with their friends, family and world...and forced to listen to me speak. i felt for them because those chairs are not comfortable and what i was saying was not pleasant to listen to or hear about. but i felt that they were somehow able to understand my plight: we were all probably wishing we were somewhere else that was a little bit more comfortable and a lot more fun.

don't get me wrong, we were all there in these various courtrooms and courthouses for a good purpose. we were fulfilling our duty as citizens and public servants and i would do it all again tomorrow if necessary, but sometimes when you are going into hour 4 or 5 of just sitting and waiting for your name to be called...and its the third day in a row you've had to do this...well...let me just say it makes you pretty happy when your name gets called, you share your testimony with the court and are then released. the best words you can hear in that situation are "the witness may step down and is released."

hearing that phrase is like telling a child its recess time- you can GO! yes! you are free now to go and do whatever you want whenever you want! unfortunately i was exhausted so i chose to come home to my cozy house, put on my pjs, pour a glass of wine, watch a few minutes of the Ghost Whisperer (what is that show by the way?) flipped open my laptop and emailed, blogged, and facebooked with my friends and am now trying to decide what i want to do next. ahh personal freedom. what a gift it is. i certainly have an improved appreciation for it tonight.

irony

2008-10-13T10:01:00.004-05:00

every monday morning, i seem to slide into a funk i tend to refer to as the " monday morning re-entry blues." its nothing clinical- its more along the lines of a heavy hearted recognition that another wonderful weekend has come to a close and i'm just at the beginning of the steep climb toward friday. during these monday mornings, my mind tends to be filled with memories i wish could be frozen in time- lunches with dear friends, pedicures, facials, new fun makeup, sunshine filled fall days, candlelight, romantic meals, card games, laughter, stolen moments, important conversations, wedding plans, beautiful afternoons spent in a park... the good stuff in life. so ironically, i only feel down because i have known so much good.

yesterday at church our pastor was speaking of the unrest people are feeling in their hearts and lives these days thanks to the economy, elections, wars, health issues, personal crisis etc. and as i listened to him rattle off reason after reason why it would be logical to be upset or feel unsettled these days- in my heart, the realization clicked that in this crazy moment in world history- i personally have never felt happier or more excited about life. that beautiful recognition brought tears to my eyes. i caught a glimpse of my life's abundance and its beauty was almost too much for my heart to hold. i love how that sometimes happens-and its usually when you least expect it.

one Fancy girl

2008-10-10T12:45:00.012-05:00

how do you begin a blog? its kind of like starting mid-story and trying to catch people up on what they've missed so far...hard to do and never quite as good as actually being there from the start. while wondering what to write about first, a nudge came to me the other night in the form of a surprise, secret gift i was given by my future husband. He surprised me with a book called 'the lucky one'- which for me was like receiving many gifts at once- but also a clear reminder of how truly lucky and fortunate i am in my life. *

a little about me...i am blessed with parents who love, encourage and support me. i am an older sister to an amazing, adventurous, brave and hilarious brother who lives far away and who i miss tremendously. i am in the process of joyously preparing to marry the absolute love of my life. i try to laugh at myself at least once a day. I enjoy finding beauty in the small moments and i get to live in a cozy, beautiful, oasis of a home in a city i love. i am paid to spend my working time talking with children who remind me to be thankful for what i have been given. i am wrapped in friendship's delightful embrace thanks to the circle of life-giving girlfriends i've met along this path. i feel happy in this moment. i feel scared in this moment and i feel richly blessed in this moment. i've always known i have been been given more than my heart can hold, so in honor of that recognition, i'm officially now going to work on slowing down, soaking it all in and relishing the beauty of my journey...knowing i'm one of the lucky ones.

starting a blog is weird. before beginning this adventure, i had to reconcile that for the most part i really am just writing and doing all this for myself. as a self-confessed non-techie person, i have to confess a secret joy that i have managed to develop a technical avenue of creative expression for myself where one did not exist before. i admit that in starting this process, i feel exposed, vulnerable, but also amazingly free. i have been reading other's blogs for several months in preparation to start this little gem, and honestly, the more i read, the more intimidated and impressed i became by everyone's ability to communicate, share and express themselves. i struggled with how to best "present" myself to the "world"- and finally landed on just being my raw, real, authentic self. so this blog is a documentation of my journey that will be true to the real girl who lives inside my heart who is trying to grow in love, grow her wings and also do these things in spite of her stumbles along the way.

a decade or so ago, i came to affectionately know, recognize and love this authentic girl within me. she looks just exactly like me, but secretly (and not so secretly sometimes) does not have the shyness, or social graces that sometimes people associate with me. this authentic girl within is the one who admits and shares real fears, struggles and the triumphs of her heart. she's the girl who sticks her foot in her mouth, does embarrassing things, secretly longs to wear sweats and hoodies all the time, sings loudly to her radio and dances like crazy around her house when no one is watching. she's the girl who really wants to learn to cook for her future husband and continues striving toward developing strength of spirit and character. this real girl within me loves to eat, drink wine and laugh with those she cherishes the most. she has a giant capacity to love, desires to develop and nurture her creative streak and relishes the opportunity to be exactly where she is in her life. this authentic girl within my heart possesses an ability to seemingly have it somewhat together, but secretly knows she is one heartbeat away from being discovered as the girl who totally doesn't.

years ago, while playing a serious game of spite and malice (cards), i explained the true identity of my inner self to my dear friend, amy. it was during this conversation that i affectionately named this true, authentic "self" Fancy- and hence, that is where the title of this blog comes from. this blog is all about this journey toward finding my authentic wings while growing in my ability to give and receive authentic love --yes, the adventures and musings of one Fancy girl.
welcome to my journey.

*ps. thank you J for the beautiful, thoughtful reminder of my lovely lot in life and for truly loving this fancy girl inside and out.